History Revisited

A few years ago I was introduced a lovely little site called Coffee Therapy. It has a number of very talented people attached to it, Ms. Amy Herdy's series of posts entitled "Fuck Cancer" is particularly worth a read. Sadly, the site has become dormant for some time now. In it's initial stages, however, I was very pleased to read the output of the authors there, especially since I was lucky enough to be one of them.

Yes, the proprietor, a very enthusiastic and friendly gentleman by the name of Cameron Naish,  was kind enough to read my work and seemed willing to host a bit of my particular brand of nonsense. In the short time I was active there, he graciously published two articles written by yours truly.

At that time, I was desperate to be creating something, as I was coming off the back of my wife and I losing our twin girls to HELLP syndrome and needing to find a place to stay as she hadn't been able to work during the pregnancy and we couldn't afford an apartment on my income alone. So, pursuing something that has always come naturally to me felt satisfying. 

Only those two articles were published over the 3-month period I was an active author. There was a third, a piece I called "A History of Change", but Cameron felt it was lacking, and so held back on it. I made a few changes, at his request, but in the end he decided it wasn't up to snuff. I recently rediscovered the piece, and, upon reflection, I'm confident he made the right call. There was a bit too much darkness in me at the time, and though the article was intended to espouse a positive attitude, it came across a touch too bitter.

Unfortunately my wife's health would only get worse over the coming months and years, (but that's a story for another day) so I let the little bit of time I was spending writing fall by the wayside. If you'd have asked about it then, I would have said that I was just too busy, or that I had more important things to worry about, and while those things may have been somewhat true, there really wasn't any reason I couldn't have continued writing. 

So, obviously, I have this urge to create returning to me once more. This website and the podcast (first episode coming this Sunday!) are the fruits of that desire to produce something for the public to see and consume. It's exhilarating to feel creative again and even more so to be displaying the work I produce. But where did this urge come from so suddenly, and what makes this time any different than the last?

I believe it's an expression of me wanting to leave something behind. I've experienced a tremendous amount of loss over the past several years, more than I thought possible, and certainly more than I ever imagined I could handle. But, for the first time in what feels like an eternity, I'm hopeful. I think my writing reflects that attitude more than ever, now.  Also, having a partner is undeniably helpful to keep me driven and hold me accountable. So, in the event that I haven't said it to you: 

Thank you Pete! It's great to have a partner like you! #NoHomo

In the end, this may just be a silly endeavor. I may possibly be reliving a pattern in a creative "career" that's marked by fits and starts. My record is nothing if not spotty, but, I've been lucky enough to be graced with support and opportunities that allow me the luxury of this vanity project. This time though, I believe my history is finally where it belongs, in the past, and I won't have to revisit it for a long time.


Dane B.